I find myself re-counting my steps back in time...for the most part I have released the past like a large black bird into the sky, to find its place in this world...just not with me !
A significant point came back to me this morning, it changed everything for me and shifted my perceptions of the wider world, maybe it was part of the design...to bring me to this point.
Home was a safe, secure place where nothing overly dramatic happened, I always assumed we would all live happily every after...isn't that how the story goes ?
Apparently not as on that particular evening....you left...you walked out with your belongings under your arm, assisted by your confidants, obviously I was not to be trusted with such secrets...with a slam of the door and a rev of the engine you were gone and nobody would tell me why ?
Its funny how small things sit somewhere in your mind, unnoticed for so long...hidden behind a thousand other unopened thoughts !
Now I am older....much older and understand you better, yes you came back...but somehow I never quite trusted you after that, it was then I lost faith in so much around me, I discovered that lies fall from the lips like leaves from the trees in Autumn, maybe you had to find your own way and this was your best course of action ?
Since then I have discovered so much about the world, I have learned to trust again and to love....observing from a distance it appears little has changed for you and it leaves a sadness in my heart.....for you, it could have been so much better...so different from how it was, but then we lived in a time where our communication skills had not been perfected.....call me blunt if you will, but I would rather offend and hurt with plain speak than leave a person wondering why !
At this point I feel I should thank you...you gave me an understanding of myself, an opportunity to self-express and explore the wider world.
Our roads have been far apart for many a year now as I couldn't endure the constant shifting sands beneath my feet...it seems to suit you, maybe you learned to run faster than me ?
We will all go to the grave with some secrets, lies, mistrust...and no doubt at the point where these things occurred it was necessary.
Truth I have discovered won't always set you free...it can cause great harm, so maybe by walking out without a word spoken you saved my life in some way...maybe this is yet another large black bird I must release to the sky...to find its place in this world...just not with me !
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